BABYJORDYN on Xanga

Weblog

Saturday, 13 June 2009

in the beginning..

I remember it like it was yesterday. On February 5th, I was sick as a dog. The only time I was not sick, was when I was sleeping the day away. I woke up and decided I was a week late on my period and that it was time to take the test. My friend had one left over from a previous month so I went to her house to pick it up. I went home and took it. First line showed up darker then anything. There was no second line. Then I was confused. If it was negative, the second line should show up and not the first. I made my friend Kate go to buy another test with me. I bought Clear Blue, the one with the plus sign or minus sign. I was not fooling around with the two line stuff. I took it at her house and before I could even pull my pants up, what do ya know... I'm pregnant.

I had nothing going through my head besides WHAT THE HECK! Me and the father were no longer together and had not been together for quite some time. I was just getting used to the thought of us moving on. He was my first love and it was hard. I had finally got my butt back in school full time and most of my classes had already started. How could I work part time and go to school and afford to get ready for a baby? In no way did abortion ever cross my mind. I couldn't do that to myself or a baby. I'm an adult and I made my choices and I knew the consequences. Though not once in the month of January did I ever think I was pregnant, I was beyond shocked.

I went home, saw that he was online and asked if we could talk. I told him that I was pregnant and he immediately said "we can't keep it." My instant reaction was you can't tell me what to do. I have a family full of single mothers. If they can do it, I can do it. I grew up without my biological father but I have an amazing step father. Him and my mother have been split up since I was 12 years old and that man is still there supporting me. I no longer speak to my mother and haven't for years so its amazing that I have someone that is not my blood that has been there endlessly for me. So obviously I know I will have all the help in the world I need. You can be there or you don't have too was how I saw it.

We barely talked following this whole ordeal. I chose not to even bother considering my hormones were insane. I was a total bitch and then when he would piss me off, I would just cry. I made my first doctors appointment for March 19th. I was getting insurance through the state so therefor I had to change doctors because my normal GYN did not take this insurance.

From February to March, I endured some intense morning sickness... or as I like to call it, all day sickness! I could not eat my favorite food... CHICKEN! And I craved sweets... any candy or fruit :) I also had a mean craving for snowballs. And you best believe I was about to buy my own snowball machine!

Anyways, I had asked my ex boyfriend if he wanted to go to the first appointment and he said no, he couldn't. I went with a friend, did the exam and blood work, ya know.. all that good stuff! They gave me a referral to get my sonogram and I went home immediately to set up that appointment. It was scheduled for March 23rd, 2009. I asked my ex twice if he wanted to go. The first time, he said we will see. The second time he said, "No I don't want to go." I left him alone and went to my appointment with a friend.

I have never seen or heard such beautiful things in my entire life. It was amazing to watch my baby move and bounce around like a little bean in there. And then to hear his/her heartbeat was even more amazing. The baby loved swatting its arms back and forth like it was slapping someone! And loved putting it's hands up around their mouth. It was an amazing experience that I will NEVER forget.

12 weeks

I sent my ex-boyfriend the pictures of the sonogram. He asked a few questions, which I didn't even expect. And then about a week later, if that, asked how the baby was doing. We started talking more and he started to come around more. I was happy with or without him being there. I loved this little bean and nothing could take that away from me. But I won't lie, I was overall happy when he finally did come around. I felt like everything was complete.

In April, I had my doctors appointment with my OB and all my tests came back negative! I was so relieved. Not that I thought anything was wrong, but it does worry me that there is always a slight chance. My next sonogram was May 11th and I would be finding out the sex of the baby so of course April was the longest month of my life! And the first week of May was the longest week EVER!

MY BELLY @ 14 WEEKS

MY BELLY @ 16 WEEKS

MY BELLY @ 18 WEEKS

Doesn't look that big under the shirt, but wooh!
boy or girl? pink or blue?

May 11th comes. I could barely sleep the night before and was up super early that morning. I picked up my ex-boyfriend and we went to the hospital to have the sonogram done. It was explained they would be checking out the baby's internal organs and such and we would also be finding out the sex. We tried for quite sometime to find out if it was a boy or girl, but sheez.. baby was moving all over the place, so we had no luck. We did get to see his/her hands and feet and long legs! We also heard the heartbeat again. Going strong at 170bmp. Of course, he did not go to the previous appointment so this was his first time seeing and hearing all this.

My appointment was at 11am. I was there for about 3 hours. They were trying to check the baby's heart for more then half the time. A female doctor came in and also tried. I kept hearing the things they were saying but I couldn't make out anything. They kept saying my baby was not cooperating and was moving way too much. I am not an ultrasound tech, so I trusted them.

Until the main doctor of the fetal assessment came in. He grabbed a piece of paper and said that he needed to take notes. My heart dropped. This couldn't be good. Who needs to come in and take notes? Why am I still here? Why are there THREE doctors now trying to figure out my baby's heart?

As they sat me up, my eyes filled with tears. They explained there was something not right with the baby's heart. He said the left side of the heart was not receiving blood causing a back flow and there was fluid backing up in the baby. He told me he knew of amazing doctors at one of the best hospitals on the east coast. I just wanted him to leave the room and when he finally did.. I just cried. My ex held me but I just wanted to be alone. I went in the bathroom to put my clothes back on and I just broke down.

We were instructed to talk to Dr. Jenkin's (the head doctor) after he had reviewed the rest of my sonogram pictures. He told us that he is not a heart specialist and therefor can not give me a direct diagnosis but only what he thinks it could be. He thinks that it was a left ventricular aneurysm. I had to set up an appointment at Children's National Medical Center in DC to better evaluate the baby. Supposedly I was seeing one of the best doctors there.

The following few days I was confused, mad, depressed, and upset. I felt as if I had so many unanswered questions and no one could answer them. On Wednesday I got a call from my doctors office saying I was to go to the Children's hospital on Friday May 15th. I did some research on the hospital and I felt so much more positive about my situation. I thought if anyone could give me help, it would be them. For a few days, I had hope. And a lot of it.

On Thursday the 14th, I had a doctors appointment with my OB. It was nothing but checking the baby's heart beat and him talking more about the condition that they thought it was. Since I was going to the Children's hospital the very next day, he scheduled me for a 2 week follow up.
children's national medical center.

It was now May 15th. My nerves were insane. We were late because DC traffic was horrible and not to mention I had no idea who I was seeing or where I was going. We go up these escalator things to the main room. It was HUGE! Brightly colored with children everywhere. It was almost like a St. Jude type of thing. I was touched but I had no time to observe. We finally found our way to the place we were supposed to be.

After about an hour of waiting, we go back into a room and the sonogram begins. It was not very long but it wasn't fast either. She said she would have the doctor review the images she got but the doctor might want to do more images. So we waited for what felt like forever. The main doctor comes back in and proceeds to give me another sonogram.

She then lets me know to follow her into her office. She comes in with a social worker as well. She explains to us basically exactly what we were told from Dr. Jenkins. The left side of the heart is not receiving or pumping blood. It is causing fluid to back up inside of the baby and there is also low amniotic fluid which is in relation to the heart condition. She says the baby is really swollen and will probably pass away soon. They left us alone for a little bit because I could not stop crying. The social worker then gave me her card and told us how sorry she was and if there was anything she could do to help, to give her a call. She would love to set us up with other families going through the same thing. But the thought of that so soon, broke my heart. I couldn't bare to give up on my baby.

We went to eat in the cafeteria at the hospital. I hadn't had anything to eat at all and my nerves were crazy. I was shaking and felt sick and I knew if I didn't eat, I would only get a migraine and feel worse later. As I was checking out, my total came to $6.66. My heart dropped. I was so upset because I believe in signs. And I believe that was a sign for what was to come.

I went home and tried to put this all past me. But I couldn't. I was either up all night or sleeping all day. I wasn't eating or keeping myself well hydrated. My nerves got the best of me and made me sick to my stomach. I was researching doctors for second opinions. I was researching on the baby's condition with NO results what so ever. On Saturday evening, I emailed TONS of doctors for second opinions. I told them my story and what I was told. Sunday I got a few back asking to meet with me on Tuesday and Wednesday of that week. Or asking me to call their offices on Monday. I was hopeful again.
too beautiful for this earth.

On Sunday I noticed that my belly started to feel weird. I paid no attention to it because I realized that I wasn't eating right and had been sick. On Monday I woke up with really bad pelvic pressure and pain. At first, I wasn't too concerned. There was no blood or nothing weird. But then I realized I had lost track of when the baby had last moved. I was so wrapped up in my own misery, I didn't pay attention to my body. I called my doctor to see if they would see me sooner. They said my doctor was at the hospital and to go immediately to L&D if I felt no movement. I immediately took a shower, threw my hair up without brushing it and took myself to the hospital.

I finally got taken back into a room where they talked to me and I explained my situation. She tried to find the heart beat with no luck with two different machines. They sent in Joe (the guy who previously did my 2nd trimester ultrasound) to perform an ultrasound to find the heartbeat. Of course, he didn't come immediately so I had to be hooked up to a contraction monitor and lay there forever and just wait. Finally Joe came in. I had to pee so bad but he said no, this will only take a few minutes. He started doing the ultrasound. I could not see the screen. He had a student with him from a university in the area and also another nurse from the hospital.

Not only did I not see the screen, but I didn't get to hear anything. He was explaining things to the student like "here is the baby's head, see the halo effect?" I was pissed at this point. What was going on? That didn't sound good at all. Everyone that was looking at the screen seemed fine. I mean I know if I was one of them, I would have probably had to leave the room if something was bad. Then again I forget they see things like this, if not worse, all the time.

Anyway, Joe leaves and the two nurses I had come in and tell me my doctor was in the hospital and he would be in to see me. My doctor comes in, talks a little to me and then says "Well Kaitlyn, there was no fetal movement and no heartbeat. I am so sorry." I just immediately started freaking out. What happens now? He tells me I would have to be induced for labor. I explain to him I want to go home first. I want to wait for the father to get off work and be there with me. (I totally forgot to say how supportive and strong he had been for me throughout all this!) My doctor advises that he will only be here until 8am the next morning. My ex got off work at 6-7pm so I told them I would be there at 7:30pm.

Both of the nurses came in to console me. Advised that I would have a healthy baby next time and they were so sorry. I was mad at this for the longest time. I didn't want to hear next time. I wanted it to be right now. The other nurse came in and held me and cried. She preached about how God has a plan for everyone and my baby is safe in his hands and feels no pain. As much as I wanted to believe her, I couldn't. She offered to walk me out to my car but I refused. As I was almost out of the building, she came running out to me because I forgot something. She then offered more kind words and that was the last I seen of her.

As I was driving home, I was almost in the rage of "I don't care, I'm not stopping this car.. I am running into anyone and I don't care what happens." But I knew hurting myself or potentially killing myself was not the answer. This baby meant so much to me as well as a lot of other people. I knew how bad it felt to lose her and I would never intentionally put my family through the same heartbreak. I called my grandmother on the way home and we just cried together. I told her I had to go and I texted everyone back that was concerned. By the time I got home, my ex was already on his way to my house. I had finally stopped crying and I was now more angry then anything. When he walked in my house, he just held me. I tried to eat something before we left, but I just couldn't. I decided to leave a little bit earlier because I just couldn't bare to sit at home and twiddle my fingers anymore.
the day you slipped away.

We arrived at the hospital. When I handed the person at the front desk the paper to return, she asked what I was there for. I said I was going to be induced. She said induced? And looked confused. I just stood there like "uhhhh, I'm not explaining this to you." A nurse who was there previously saw we were having trouble communicating and told her what was going on. Thank god I didn't have too. I was not strong enough yet to talk about what happened.

We finally go back into a room. They put me in the back of the hospital it seemed. The immediately hooked me up to the contraction monitor and began pitocin on me. When they stuck me with the IV, they blew one of my veins so they had to stick me on the side of my wrist which caused blood to go everywhere. I felt like I was going to pass out. They brought me a box lunch and ginger ale. Right after I was done eating, my doctor came in and explain exactly what was going to happen. He was going to stick this pill on my cervix to open it up. He had to do so every four hours. I received the first one at approximately 8:30pm.

Shortly after, my ex went to go get something to eat. I was having mild contractions already. But I could handle them. As soon as he left, I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. I started throwing up and going to the bathroom at the same time. I kept calling the nurses and no one would come. I kept moving from my bed to the bathroom. Finally he comes back and I tell him to call the nurse because I can't stop getting sick and by this point in time, my contractions were so bad I didn't want to move.

She comes in and gives me a pain medicine and nausea medicine which immediately made me seem like I was a loopy drug addict. I would sit up to attempt to go to the bathroom and just nod out. I made my ex rub my head every time I was in pain because it helped me focus on something other then what was going on. Thank god for him because I couldn't have done it without him. At 12:30am, they came in to give me my second pill. I still wasn't allowed to have any more pain medication, so I had to suck it up and deal with it. About 1:20am, I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. I couldn't sit down though because I felt like something was about to fall out of me. I started freaking out because I felt like my body was pushing automatically. Its like I had to push and my body wouldn't let me NOT do so!

My ex placed me on the bed and called the nurse. I don't think they were prepared for it to come this soon. I still had 2 more pills and they were going to get more in the morning. I started freaking out because they just kept telling me to push. I yelled "I don't know how!" I mean, I had 20 more weeks to worry about this stuff. All I was worried about was breathing because I felt like I couldn't catch my breath! I finally pushed my little baby out at 1:46am on May 19th.

I fell asleep shortly after because I had to wait for the placenta to come out on its own. When I woke up, it finally did. The nurse told me about the keepsake album they made for the baby and if I wanted to see her I could. HER?! My baby was a little GIRL?! I was so upset. I guess because now I knew that it was definitely a girl. What I had hoped for all along. I also could now classify my baby was my daughter or son instead of he/she. My ex was standing over near her while I was getting cleaned up and he turned around and said with a big smile on his face, "She has my nose!" That crushed me into a million pieces. Regardless that we were not together, I still do love him and we have had a long history together.

I finally got to see her. I didn't hold her at first. I couldn't move from bed and I was so scared of how fragile she was. I just stared at her, imagining everything that I will never get to see or hear. Her laugh, her cry, her eyes, her smile, etc. I finally went back to sleep. The next morning we had to name her and fill out all the paper work. As we were doing this, I wanted to see her again. I wanted to hold her and touch her little hands and see her little feet. My little angel was so swollen when we first saw her, but it went down a little bit the next day. She was so precious and so tiny. She weighed 14 ounces and she looked JUST like her daddy. She only has my bottom lip/chin. Its amazing how much she was formed and how big she was.

I left the hospital on May 19th, 2009 without my baby girl in my arms. Instead, I left with her in God's arms and only in my heart and memories.